Sunday, August 21, 2011
If you're feeling a bit shocked, imagine how I feel. No, this wasn't planned & I was pregnancy-specific symptom-free until mid-July. Took tests at the beginning of August & had a confirmation ultrasound which informed me that I was pretty far along.
I got hooked up w/ an OB & had another more in-depth ultrasound. The results were 27 weeks pregnant with a girl who is due November 15.
All this means I only have 3 months to prepare for this. 3 months to decide what I'm doing, how I'm going to do it & figure out what resources are available to me.
I'll skip most of my rationalizing since to be honest my decision isn't the most rational one given my current financial/employment situation. In fact, my decision is based almost solely on my emotions. I don't believe I could do anything except be a parent to this child. I'm aware of the hardship I'm choosing to put myself through. I'm aware of how people in my life may react to this decision. But hardship & adversity are poisons I've spent my life building up a tolerance for. Dish it.
Fact is, everyday I can feel her move. Her kicks get stronger & she reacts to me sometimes. I love her already. I'm not going to go on & on about predetermined fate or god since neither of those things are my cuppa tea. A lot of mistakes were made that put me in this spot; I wont deny that. But I am going to do everything I can to give her what she needs & be the best mother I can. I'm going to work hard to finish school (hoping to graduate December 2012) & start a career. I'm not going to give up who I am or what I want in my life. That's just not me. I want her to be as proud of me as I will be of her. Justin & I had talked about kids & decided we wanted to wait a while. Shit happens.
So a lot of change. A LOT. I'm not going to pretend to be ready of any of it either. I figure, from what I know about parenting I'll be ready for this sometime around this kid's 23rd birthday. Sound about right?